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What I Learned On My Vacation And Other Terrors Part 2
Let's Rethink the Holiday Party Remix Baker vs. Tree: A Yuletide Story Sexiest Man Alive: Marty Baker BakerMuse is back: Male Pattern Blindness Cavemen, chloroform and chocolates. Rethinking romance. Follicle Follies or Splitting Hairs. (Remix) A BakerMuse True Story Musical Hell. Loitering at the bottom of the musical food chain. Remix. A starter kit. The Pillsbury Dough Boy and Charlie the Tuna Intervention: A remix A needless survey of curmudgeons Restaurants to Avoid. A BakerMuse Remix Worst Album Covers Ever. A Remix. Finding the right guy. A guide for women remix. Further Misadventures in flight. A remix. Aging Disgracefully Remix Procrasticise! Remix An Afficianado's Guide to the Flu Remix The BakerMuse Guide to Writing a Best Seller Why I am no longer a sugar daddy. Great hotels. Bad postcards. The Four Yorkshiremen Reprise Neighbors and other disappointments Das Snoot Turf Wars. A BakerMuse True Story. Testosterone. The early years. The Frigid Chronicles Part One Unsanitized for your protection. BakerMuse Anniversary Part 2 BakerMuse Celebrates 50th Anniversary Welcome to Stinky Town The Foxworthy Factor. The Jerky Boy BakerMuse Live from New York City: Viva la Revolution! BakerMuse Live From New York City The Upside of Downsizing Quibbles Part 4: The grunt, the yell and the floating gorilla A sociological study of the elderly or Geezer 101 Me and the Mighty Gavalon The Free LifeTime Movie Generator Why Lou Dobbs Loves Me I need a man purse and other confessions What I Learned On My Vacation And Other Terrors Part 2 What I Learned On My Vacation And Other Terrors Part I My Christmas List Revised Splitting Hairs Ugly is the New Beautiful Worst Album Covers Ever Part 2 Worst Album Covers Ever Part 1 Let's Rethink the Holiday Party Intervention: Charlie the Tuna, the TRIX rabbit and the Pillsbury Doughboy The Man Code. Decoded. Quibbles Part 3 Starring Orville Redenbacher Never let an egghead write your tag line. An expose. Cluttergate Fashion Mistakes. The Sequel. Songs from Musical Hell Please don't stare at my stag and other fashion mistakes A Jones for Java Part 2 Tong Envy and Aspects of Aspic Bourne Again, the Movie Quibbles: Part 2 Clinical observations from the bottom of the musical instrument food chain Expose! My Coke Habit. Condemned Cuisine Nyuk. Nyuk. Why Men Love the Three Stooges: A Guide for Women Quibbles: Part One Procrasticise! Restaurants To Avoid A BakerMuse Culinary Guide An Afficianado's Guide to the Flu Let's Bring Back the Fez The Angina Monologues Pardon Me While I Slip Into Something Less Comfortable. Finding the right guy. A guide for women. Aging Disgracefully SpongeBob: Now Smellable Bed Bath and Way Beyond Do it yourself surgery My Kryptonite, the hot dog. Duck and Cover with Bert the Turtle A Jones for Java. My secret history with coffee commercials 1 Counting My Blessings and Other Mathematical Problems
I've never had good luck with hotels. In the glossy brochure they always sound like the Ritz, in person they are more like the Bates Motel. I will dredge up a truelife tale from the BakerMuse files to illustrate my hotel adverse history. In my misspent youth, I made a reservation at a wellknown "romantic" Bed and Breakfast in Lake Arrowhead California. I was on the pivotal 4th date of a new relationship and thought this would a better alternative to taco night at the local bowling center.
Well, the brochure brought me to tears, Every room was named after a famous couple. Gable and Lombard. Astaire and Rogers. The icing on the romantic cake was that each room also had a heartshaped Jacuzzi tub for two. Add massive chocolates on the pillow and you're in Hugh Hefner land. It wasn't just a hotel this was an aphrodisiac with a floor plan.
To add a little flame to the fire, I innocently put on the Chris Issac song "Wicked Games" as we entered the town. (The video of this song has been known to cause heavy breathing even in people who've recently died.) Never has a romantic liaison been so carefully orchestrated. We arrived at the hotel and the owner takes us to the last available room. We walk by all the wonderful couples and end up in the Laurel and Hardy room. Yes, LAUREL AND HARDY. There's a large silhouette of the two of them on the door. And inside the walls were filled photos from their movies.
I didn't have to be a shaman to tell you this was bad mojo. I'm sorry, was the Pee Herman and Popcorn Room not available? What about the Rosanne and Tom Arnold Bridal Suite? I reluctantly tell this tale because it was 4th of July Weekend and the only fireworks that night were over the lake.
Back to Disney. After landing in Orlando Airport,[url=http://www.sport.fr/business/louisvuitton.html]sac louis vuitton[/url], my fianc and I boarded a bus called the "Magical Express." The driver (and this is 100% true) was named Rocky Steel. ROCK STEEL! This is a name reserved for pro wrestlers and porn stars. I didn't have to be a shaman to tell you this was good mojo. We arrived at Disney's All Star Music Resort and got our room key.
The resort is a series of clustered hotel areas with musical theme motifs Jazz, Rock Roll, Broadway and Country Fair. We got the Country Fair which is aptly named because it is so far from the lobby/dining area it might have well been in another country. It's about a 20 minute walk depending on your state of heat stroke. Well, we arrived at our room and it was 1313. I thought "I've traded in Oliver and Hardy for the Manson Family." More salt to the wound
we didn't face the beautiful guitar shaped pool, we faced the "woodlands." Which was a Disneyism for swamp area.
Inside, room was very nice. My mistake was ordering a small refrigerator (I called it Sybil) that changed personalities overnight and maintained the decibel level of a industrial sized leaf blower.
Lesson 5. Avoid Chip and Dale.
Chip and Dale must be the entry level character for anyone who applies to work at Disney. There must be 100,000 Chip and Dales to every Donald. They are everywhere and surprisingly annoying. We ate at a "character" lunch. Chip and Dale came by our table and tried to start a relationship with us. "Are you Chip?" He recoiled in horror and pantomimed the fact that he was Dale. Then, Chip came by and we said "Are you Chip?" He held his paws against his heart and shook his head gleefully "Yes." This was relatively charming THE FIRST TIME. Chip and Dale visited our table six more times. How do you gracefully say, this relationship isn't working out. I'm convinced that the C costumes are handed out randomly to street people.
Lesson 6. Madison is the new Caitlin. Among the 10,000 girls wandering the Disney Parks, 90% of them were named Madison. Unlike the milder and somewhat well behaved Caitlin's of the past decade, these Madisons are always in trouble. "Madison, if you don't get out of that fountain, you'll have to eat dinner with Chip and Dale." I have a solution to the whole naming problem. There should be quota of names available. Let's say, 1,000 Madisons. Anyone born in January gets the top picks. The Justins, the Jasons, the Ambers and Madisons. Once the quota is filled you have to choose another name. With my luck, my child will be born in December. I'll call her Mildred.
Lesson 7. I love foreigners. If you travel to Disney World in January, you will find that they enticed hordes of Europeans to visit. There were people from France, England, Spain, Italy, Slavic countries you can't pronounce, and of course, people from Wisconsin. What's wonderful is that most of them seem to lack the embarassment gene. I saw dozens of 300 pound men at the pool wearing what appeared to be a rubber band for a bathing suit. These bathing suits make a Speedo look like a Mumu.

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